When I woke this morning the first thing that went through my mind was that it was a beautiful day to die. I could hear the morning birds singing outside the window and without opening my eyes I could feel spring in the air. It was a time of rebirth. The world was wiped clean of the old and just outside it was blooming with the new. The grass was lush and green; the smell of it was heavenly. The air had a clean and refreshing smell to it. It smelled of life and it was a wonderful rush. I lay in my bed and simply smiled. Yes, it was a perfect day to die.
I wonder to myself as the writer of just what my reader is thinking about right now. Why would I say such a thing? Did I mean I wanted to die? Did I mean if I died any day I would prefer a day like today? As the person who woke up this morning and thought that, I cannot honestly say which one it is, or if it is both, but I simply know it was one of the two.
I asked myself as the morning moved on if I was sad. I had to really think about this because over the summer I feel into a deep dark depression and I had not even realized it. So I had to ask myself again if I was feeling something without even realizing it. Truly I could not see it. I did not think that I felt sad. Did I feel angry? Again I had to answer no to that question also.
Then it occurred to me that I simply felt nothing. I did not feel any emotion that would make you think that I wanted to die, except an odd sort of peace. A peace that had eluded me most of my life now here it was and it felt truly awesome.
I kept my eyes closed and I could see myself walking toward the Delaware River, the sun beautiful and warm upon my skin. The wind gentle and caressing as it blew against my face and hair. I had seen myself stand at the river bank looking out over the waves as the morning sun highlighted each ripple, throwing sparkles all around. It was breathtaking. I felt no fear or despair as I walked slowly down to the end of the pier where the wind became more forceful whipping my hair into my face. I climbed onto the black wrought iron rail and balanced myself simply looking down at the dark endless water. I took a breath and sighed.
I could see this clear as the spring day was, because I had done this many times over the past year. I could envision myself just stepping off that rail. This is the hardest part for my reader to understand I think and I am not sure if I can truly explain it. I did not feel hopelessness or pain. I did not feel like I had no one and that the life I lived was just that unbearable. I simply could see myself stepping off the rail and allowing the Delaware to sweep me away to where ever it was that I needed to go.
It was at this moment I believe that I had finally found the answers I had been searching so long for. I had live a life the way that others felt I should and I was what they thought I should be. I had never tried to live my life the way I wanted it to be, and in truth I had never been the person that I had wanted to be. I ached when I was alone because I had felt that I needed someone to be able to remain strong. Someone to hold and comfort me when I needed it and that is what I really believed that I needed that. Did I ever really have that though? In that moment that I had asked myself I realized that even in the times that I had that, it had been little help to me. I had still felt alone, I struggled and pushed against the world with everything in me. I had survived alone not realizing it. I had been so caught up in the idea that I could not do it that I never seen that I had been doing it all the entire time. In that moment I knew that I could no longer be that person that everyone thought they knew, the person they expected me to be.
I had to think even harder about who I was if I was not what they had assumed. My realization I am sure will hurt some that I know loves me and tries to be there for me, but that cannot be helped. For this I am truly sorry. It was in that moment that I realized that I could not be the friend that every person that had bound themselves to me, wanted. I could not be the wife that my husband expected or wanted, because I had something inside me that refused to allow me to be anything more than what I was always meant to be, a mother.
I am a Christian but I also have my own personal beliefs and outlook on life. I really believe that we are each put here in this world for a single purpose. Everything else that comes along is simply a part of life's simple pleasures that you can choose to enjoy or hate, but always with the main purpose for which you should not stray. For years though I had been taking the other things that came along for granted. I had come to rely on these things and was not seeing my real purpose. I see nothing wrong with living and enjoying life, as long as it does not cause complications with what you are needed most for.
I was here I believe to be a mother above all else. I was given very special children, each unique in their own way. Each one had their own difficulties and trials that surpassed what was typical. My job as a mother was to teach them, protect them, and make sure that one day they became adults that could survive in the world that I brought them into. I feel that every time a mother gives birth to a child she has ensured the future of mankind.
It was a harsh reality for me that I came to see that the only way that I could do this was to let go of some of life's simple pleasures so that I could completely commit to what I was meant to do. For once I did not have to rely on someone to hold me up. In the same instance I did not have to hold them up. I seen that to be able to do what I needed to do, I needed to do it without the complications of the types of relationships out there.
As I wrote this I finally had seen what the thought I had upon waking this morning had meant. I was not thinking of killing myself, of ending the life that I lived physically. I was trying to end what bound me. I needed to start over with a new beginning and needed to do this in a way that worked better for me. I needed to hit the world head on for now and maybe later I could deal with the many relationships that people seem to crave and need. For now I needed to be the best mother possible to the children that I had been blessed with.
I wonder to myself as the writer of just what my reader is thinking about right now. Why would I say such a thing? Did I mean I wanted to die? Did I mean if I died any day I would prefer a day like today? As the person who woke up this morning and thought that, I cannot honestly say which one it is, or if it is both, but I simply know it was one of the two.
I asked myself as the morning moved on if I was sad. I had to really think about this because over the summer I feel into a deep dark depression and I had not even realized it. So I had to ask myself again if I was feeling something without even realizing it. Truly I could not see it. I did not think that I felt sad. Did I feel angry? Again I had to answer no to that question also.
Then it occurred to me that I simply felt nothing. I did not feel any emotion that would make you think that I wanted to die, except an odd sort of peace. A peace that had eluded me most of my life now here it was and it felt truly awesome.
I kept my eyes closed and I could see myself walking toward the Delaware River, the sun beautiful and warm upon my skin. The wind gentle and caressing as it blew against my face and hair. I had seen myself stand at the river bank looking out over the waves as the morning sun highlighted each ripple, throwing sparkles all around. It was breathtaking. I felt no fear or despair as I walked slowly down to the end of the pier where the wind became more forceful whipping my hair into my face. I climbed onto the black wrought iron rail and balanced myself simply looking down at the dark endless water. I took a breath and sighed.
I could see this clear as the spring day was, because I had done this many times over the past year. I could envision myself just stepping off that rail. This is the hardest part for my reader to understand I think and I am not sure if I can truly explain it. I did not feel hopelessness or pain. I did not feel like I had no one and that the life I lived was just that unbearable. I simply could see myself stepping off the rail and allowing the Delaware to sweep me away to where ever it was that I needed to go.
It was at this moment I believe that I had finally found the answers I had been searching so long for. I had live a life the way that others felt I should and I was what they thought I should be. I had never tried to live my life the way I wanted it to be, and in truth I had never been the person that I had wanted to be. I ached when I was alone because I had felt that I needed someone to be able to remain strong. Someone to hold and comfort me when I needed it and that is what I really believed that I needed that. Did I ever really have that though? In that moment that I had asked myself I realized that even in the times that I had that, it had been little help to me. I had still felt alone, I struggled and pushed against the world with everything in me. I had survived alone not realizing it. I had been so caught up in the idea that I could not do it that I never seen that I had been doing it all the entire time. In that moment I knew that I could no longer be that person that everyone thought they knew, the person they expected me to be.
I had to think even harder about who I was if I was not what they had assumed. My realization I am sure will hurt some that I know loves me and tries to be there for me, but that cannot be helped. For this I am truly sorry. It was in that moment that I realized that I could not be the friend that every person that had bound themselves to me, wanted. I could not be the wife that my husband expected or wanted, because I had something inside me that refused to allow me to be anything more than what I was always meant to be, a mother.
I am a Christian but I also have my own personal beliefs and outlook on life. I really believe that we are each put here in this world for a single purpose. Everything else that comes along is simply a part of life's simple pleasures that you can choose to enjoy or hate, but always with the main purpose for which you should not stray. For years though I had been taking the other things that came along for granted. I had come to rely on these things and was not seeing my real purpose. I see nothing wrong with living and enjoying life, as long as it does not cause complications with what you are needed most for.
I was here I believe to be a mother above all else. I was given very special children, each unique in their own way. Each one had their own difficulties and trials that surpassed what was typical. My job as a mother was to teach them, protect them, and make sure that one day they became adults that could survive in the world that I brought them into. I feel that every time a mother gives birth to a child she has ensured the future of mankind.
It was a harsh reality for me that I came to see that the only way that I could do this was to let go of some of life's simple pleasures so that I could completely commit to what I was meant to do. For once I did not have to rely on someone to hold me up. In the same instance I did not have to hold them up. I seen that to be able to do what I needed to do, I needed to do it without the complications of the types of relationships out there.
As I wrote this I finally had seen what the thought I had upon waking this morning had meant. I was not thinking of killing myself, of ending the life that I lived physically. I was trying to end what bound me. I needed to start over with a new beginning and needed to do this in a way that worked better for me. I needed to hit the world head on for now and maybe later I could deal with the many relationships that people seem to crave and need. For now I needed to be the best mother possible to the children that I had been blessed with.
