I honestly believed I had cried all the tears a person could cry, so I started swallowing them many years ago and moving forward. Then it got to the point that even if I wanted to, the tears would not come. If they did, it was a few seconds and on its own, the pain would bury deep inside and became manageable. My goal was to be strong and never give up, for myself, for my children. They came though, such emotional devastations that they shocked me into numbness and I never slowed down to grieve any of it. Even still I never exploded, never imploded, just stored it all and kept going.
A moment in ICU looking into the sleeping face of my first born, it hit and just as quick it sunk deep inside and only a gasp, a single tear escaped. I fought breaking down, falling apart more than any battle I have ever fought. It was not for me, it was for my children. Someone had to take care of them, love them, help them to become adults..have the best chance to be successful. It always felt like it was my one and only goal. So I became an emotional wreck deep inside but kept going.
In life, I have been many things. I have been a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, a writer, an artist, a manager, the list is endless..I did it all at 110% and I never wanted to regretted any of the effort I gave to these roles. There were regrets though, everyone has them, even if they never admit to it. Maybe if I had given 120%, or maybe 110% was to much of myself...it was my heart I gave fully and completely in each aspect.
Today I knew...I felt it and I need time to myself. Time to either breath or cry. All these years of feeling alone and tonight I WANTED to be alone. I wanted to cry. To make this deep tight hurt come out. We all need a good cry at some point. It is suppose to release so much that we carry inside. But tears change nothing, the pain is still there, even when it comes to a point where you exhaust yourself. Still the pain remains.
It was that 110% of myself I gave, it was everything that I wanted to give that got me to the moment where giving even a small percent scared me. Still I gave, and then I felt myself wanting something in return. For the first time in my life, I wanted something back from all of it. It was that moment that I realized just how lonely my life had become. It was expectations that I gained, something I desired for myself finally. It was devastation. A devastation that made me so afraid to give again..but I trusted and I gave into that trust.
The fault of this is mine and mine alone. Like I have always done, like I always wanted to do was manage..swallow and move forward. Tonight though, I knew I needed time to work it all out. I am afraid to cry...I remember the depression all too well. I remember the moment where I felt it was easier to stop! Than it was to move one step further. I fear allowing even a small amount of sadness to creep out, what if it did not stop there, what if it all came, consumed me, drowned me. What if..........? And I cried.. until I could not breath..until the exhaustion of it made me want to curl up and sleep.
At the same time that my body feels heavy, that I don't feel there is any more room to take anything else in, I feel empty, like someone reached in and ripped my heart out, that is what was taken, my heart, the last small piece I was willing to give.
Then I deleted it all physically. I wiped the slate leaving only a small part of the ending, never give yourself away again. I have to have some sort of self-worth, self-respect, just need to keep what remains of myself, for myself. Emotionally, outwards, I am managing. Inside, it will become manageable one day, but it will always remain reminding me, do you really want to do this again, knowing what you know, knowing how it felt at the end of the day...?
Time to cold boot..............
A moment in ICU looking into the sleeping face of my first born, it hit and just as quick it sunk deep inside and only a gasp, a single tear escaped. I fought breaking down, falling apart more than any battle I have ever fought. It was not for me, it was for my children. Someone had to take care of them, love them, help them to become adults..have the best chance to be successful. It always felt like it was my one and only goal. So I became an emotional wreck deep inside but kept going.
In life, I have been many things. I have been a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, a writer, an artist, a manager, the list is endless..I did it all at 110% and I never wanted to regretted any of the effort I gave to these roles. There were regrets though, everyone has them, even if they never admit to it. Maybe if I had given 120%, or maybe 110% was to much of myself...it was my heart I gave fully and completely in each aspect.
Today I knew...I felt it and I need time to myself. Time to either breath or cry. All these years of feeling alone and tonight I WANTED to be alone. I wanted to cry. To make this deep tight hurt come out. We all need a good cry at some point. It is suppose to release so much that we carry inside. But tears change nothing, the pain is still there, even when it comes to a point where you exhaust yourself. Still the pain remains.
It was that 110% of myself I gave, it was everything that I wanted to give that got me to the moment where giving even a small percent scared me. Still I gave, and then I felt myself wanting something in return. For the first time in my life, I wanted something back from all of it. It was that moment that I realized just how lonely my life had become. It was expectations that I gained, something I desired for myself finally. It was devastation. A devastation that made me so afraid to give again..but I trusted and I gave into that trust.
The fault of this is mine and mine alone. Like I have always done, like I always wanted to do was manage..swallow and move forward. Tonight though, I knew I needed time to work it all out. I am afraid to cry...I remember the depression all too well. I remember the moment where I felt it was easier to stop! Than it was to move one step further. I fear allowing even a small amount of sadness to creep out, what if it did not stop there, what if it all came, consumed me, drowned me. What if..........? And I cried.. until I could not breath..until the exhaustion of it made me want to curl up and sleep.
At the same time that my body feels heavy, that I don't feel there is any more room to take anything else in, I feel empty, like someone reached in and ripped my heart out, that is what was taken, my heart, the last small piece I was willing to give.
Then I deleted it all physically. I wiped the slate leaving only a small part of the ending, never give yourself away again. I have to have some sort of self-worth, self-respect, just need to keep what remains of myself, for myself. Emotionally, outwards, I am managing. Inside, it will become manageable one day, but it will always remain reminding me, do you really want to do this again, knowing what you know, knowing how it felt at the end of the day...?
Time to cold boot..............
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