RAINY DAY THINKING

               It was raining when I woke up this morning. Snuggled in my bed, I simply listened to it fall onto the porch roof below my bedroom window. Here and there, birds would sing, and then stop as the rain picked up. Winter was over, spring was here, but it did not feel like spring. The temperature fluctuated up and down; there were still small spurts of snow over the past couple of weeks. The poor birds were as confused as the spring flowers that were trying to bloom outside. During the last spurt of snow, I could see bulbs peeking through, struggling and fighting to push winter away and make room for spring. The next day the snow had already melted away.

               It was tempting to go outside, and then it occurred to me, that nasty cold from the last time it rained still dogged my day. Really, I did not want to make it worse. So I simply stayed under my comforter and listened.

               Years ago I did the same thing, looking at my ceiling, listen to the birds outside and having the thought; it is a good day to die. That day, there was no rain. It was beautiful out, the birds were singing because it was spring, the morning sun was shining and it was warm out. If I died any day, let it be a day like that one. It was the perfect day to die. Maybe it was a morbid thought but it happens. People die and it was something I would do one day myself. So I found the perfect type of day, but so much was missing.

               I had turned thirty years old and it did not occur without a lot of panic. Some people don’t make it to the age of sixty. What if I died before I turned sixty, this is the middle mark, the milestone right here, right now! Then thoughts of what I had not done yet, experiences not experienced, moments not taken because there was always tomorrow. What if tomorrow never came? Would I be satisfied in the last breathe with all that I had done with the life and time I was given? The answer was no.

               It was no for years to come. I have no fear of dying, but I fear not living. The fear of crying more than laughing! The fear of being sad more than being happy! The fear of not doing something today because I chose to wait till tomorrow and tomorrow did not come.

               Then a recent conversation came to mind. Friends, co-workers got together for the anniversary death of a friend. A remark that it took something like that for everyone to get together! In that moment we realize that we are not living, but existing, thinking tomorrow we can live. Tomorrow we can do what we decided not to do today. Then tomorrow does not come because it ended today. We mourn that more than anything. Missed moments, missed laughs, and missed memories. Then when tomorrow does come, it is too late. The chance for such ended yesterday and we missed it.

               Life comes with sadness but it comes with happiness also. Happiness cannot be found primarily with another person, it has come from within us first. If we cannot find happiness there, how can we ever find it with others? So I wake up with the idea that I am going to do something that will make me smile, even laugh that day. I am going to do something that will make someone else smile or laugh also and that will make me happy with myself.

               It is not an easy accomplishment for me. I struggle. I fight. Sometimes I lose, but sometimes I win. Sometimes I lay in my bed at night alone and for a brief moment, I feel I cannot keep going. A deep breath, my eyes closed, visualizing a chalkboard full of it all. Then I erase it clean. The day is over. Regrets, mourning things in life that we don’t feel we can change. It consumes the soul. Maybe I cannot change some things, but does that mean I have to close my eyes that night with sadness over that. I have and the next day, the board still had everything still on it and I had a new day to add to it. There was no room for that. It was overwhelming, draining.

“With all that you deal with, three kids that have special needs, how do you do it? How do you smile and laugh every time I see you and not break?”

               I remember this conversation and the answer I gave. Tomorrow is a new day, no matter how bad today was, the slate gets wiped each night and the next day, I try again. There is always room for change, for a better day, but I would not mourn the day before because I had a day before and if God blessed me with another tomorrow, I was going to greet it with a smile.

Party time...

       On Fridays, I drop my children off with their dad and for the first time in a week's time, I have time for myself. I can do whatever I want. I can go out, maybe get a drink, hang out with friends or acquaintances. Instead, I sometimes go back to work or I run errands, do things around the house. Growing up I missed a lot of this stuff..the going out and etc. Now I think I missed the entire aspect of it.
     This past weekend, I rotated my days and they went to their dad's Saturday night and not Friday. Our new systems were being installed into the store Saturday night and going online Sunday morning. I had to be at work after closing Saturday night to assist in getting them setup and ready.
    All evening, I had this urge to go out. I did not know what I wanted to do, but I wanted to do something, break up my routine. Have fun for a little bit. Once the registers were in place and ready, we left the store and my car, it went on auto-pilot and drove me right to my house. I was a little disgruntled at the fact my car did this.
    I can blame the car for this right??
    So I came home, crawled into my bed and fell asleep.
    I wanted to go out, I desired to do so greatly and for the life of me, I could not figure out why I did not. I came home to an empty house...
    Of course, not completely empty. My dog Itchy, came to my closed bedroom door and preceded to whine. Then he gave up whining and I heard my cat, Gizmo, scratching on my door and meowing. Finally I got up and let them both into the bedroom with me. Not completely alone!
   Sometimes I feel the urge to go out. Then I come to the problem of where do I want to go, what do I want to do. I feel that it is one too many decisions and end up simplifying things by doing none of the above. Have I become a recluse, a hermit?
   It is a distraction. A distraction from an empty house. A distraction for the lack of kids arguing, games and TVs blaring and my electric bill jumping sky high. Then I thought about the fact that I was not overly interested in going out solo and the only person I really wanted to see was not available. That was it in a nutshell. I wanted to see and spend time with someone specific and since I could not, the whole thing lost its appeal.
   Long ago, I realized something about myself. If I could not be with the person I wanted to be with, I would rather be alone. I have the option to go out, I have so many invitations that I turn down. I could do these things but I feel that I would get nothing out of it that I want. At the end of the day, when I go to bed, it is the same as when I woke up at the beginning of the day. So I work.
   Yeah, it is a weird distraction I suppose, but I also have semi-goals. (Maybe one of these Friday nights, I really should ignore my OCD and sit down, make plans, set goals and FORCE myself to achieve them.) But goals, they bring change, and change, even though needed, scares the hell out of me. I know my overall goal, but have yet to sit down and plan it out, work to achieve it. I need to very soon as I feel like I am in limbo, stuck in place and not moving forward.
    Maybe I need to do this sooner than Friday. I was thinking I may go out Friday night. Hmmm...then again, once Friday gets here, I will probably auto-pilot again.
   I do set goals, projects mainly. It pops in my head, and damn, I cannot think of anything but reaching completion of my project. Most recently, it was my bedroom. First came the installation of the hardwood laminate flooring, then redecorating and painting. Now that I have a bed I kind of wanted a bedroom back.
    A project that most could do in a day is heading into its second week. Between work, meetings in NY, counseling, I am surprised at what I did get done and disgruntled over what I have yet to get done. I think that I am worthless on planning anything else until this job is completed to my satisfaction and done by me alone.
     Yes, I want to do the entire project completely alone. I don't want help, I want to know that I can do what needs to be done. One of my semi-goals is being independent of others. A personal goal of mine that I find is extremely necessary for me to achieve. Still I need to take time to write down what I need to do and plan it out, make it happen. I have to face my fear of change above all. Time to get thrown to the wolves and either be eaten or lead the pack. I am rather boney so I think leading the pack would be a better bet.