On Fridays, I drop my children off with their dad and for the first time in a week's time, I have time for myself. I can do whatever I want. I can go out, maybe get a drink, hang out with friends or acquaintances. Instead, I sometimes go back to work or I run errands, do things around the house. Growing up I missed a lot of this stuff..the going out and etc. Now I think I missed the entire aspect of it.
This past weekend, I rotated my days and they went to their dad's Saturday night and not Friday. Our new systems were being installed into the store Saturday night and going online Sunday morning. I had to be at work after closing Saturday night to assist in getting them setup and ready.
All evening, I had this urge to go out. I did not know what I wanted to do, but I wanted to do something, break up my routine. Have fun for a little bit. Once the registers were in place and ready, we left the store and my car, it went on auto-pilot and drove me right to my house. I was a little disgruntled at the fact my car did this.
I can blame the car for this right??
So I came home, crawled into my bed and fell asleep.
I wanted to go out, I desired to do so greatly and for the life of me, I could not figure out why I did not. I came home to an empty house...
Of course, not completely empty. My dog Itchy, came to my closed bedroom door and preceded to whine. Then he gave up whining and I heard my cat, Gizmo, scratching on my door and meowing. Finally I got up and let them both into the bedroom with me. Not completely alone!
Sometimes I feel the urge to go out. Then I come to the problem of where do I want to go, what do I want to do. I feel that it is one too many decisions and end up simplifying things by doing none of the above. Have I become a recluse, a hermit?
It is a distraction. A distraction from an empty house. A distraction for the lack of kids arguing, games and TVs blaring and my electric bill jumping sky high. Then I thought about the fact that I was not overly interested in going out solo and the only person I really wanted to see was not available. That was it in a nutshell. I wanted to see and spend time with someone specific and since I could not, the whole thing lost its appeal.
Long ago, I realized something about myself. If I could not be with the person I wanted to be with, I would rather be alone. I have the option to go out, I have so many invitations that I turn down. I could do these things but I feel that I would get nothing out of it that I want. At the end of the day, when I go to bed, it is the same as when I woke up at the beginning of the day. So I work.
Yeah, it is a weird distraction I suppose, but I also have semi-goals. (Maybe one of these Friday nights, I really should ignore my OCD and sit down, make plans, set goals and FORCE myself to achieve them.) But goals, they bring change, and change, even though needed, scares the hell out of me. I know my overall goal, but have yet to sit down and plan it out, work to achieve it. I need to very soon as I feel like I am in limbo, stuck in place and not moving forward.
Maybe I need to do this sooner than Friday. I was thinking I may go out Friday night. Hmmm...then again, once Friday gets here, I will probably auto-pilot again.
I do set goals, projects mainly. It pops in my head, and damn, I cannot think of anything but reaching completion of my project. Most recently, it was my bedroom. First came the installation of the hardwood laminate flooring, then redecorating and painting. Now that I have a bed I kind of wanted a bedroom back.
A project that most could do in a day is heading into its second week. Between work, meetings in NY, counseling, I am surprised at what I did get done and disgruntled over what I have yet to get done. I think that I am worthless on planning anything else until this job is completed to my satisfaction and done by me alone.
Yes, I want to do the entire project completely alone. I don't want help, I want to know that I can do what needs to be done. One of my semi-goals is being independent of others. A personal goal of mine that I find is extremely necessary for me to achieve. Still I need to take time to write down what I need to do and plan it out, make it happen. I have to face my fear of change above all. Time to get thrown to the wolves and either be eaten or lead the pack. I am rather boney so I think leading the pack would be a better bet.
This past weekend, I rotated my days and they went to their dad's Saturday night and not Friday. Our new systems were being installed into the store Saturday night and going online Sunday morning. I had to be at work after closing Saturday night to assist in getting them setup and ready.
All evening, I had this urge to go out. I did not know what I wanted to do, but I wanted to do something, break up my routine. Have fun for a little bit. Once the registers were in place and ready, we left the store and my car, it went on auto-pilot and drove me right to my house. I was a little disgruntled at the fact my car did this.
I can blame the car for this right??
So I came home, crawled into my bed and fell asleep.
I wanted to go out, I desired to do so greatly and for the life of me, I could not figure out why I did not. I came home to an empty house...
Of course, not completely empty. My dog Itchy, came to my closed bedroom door and preceded to whine. Then he gave up whining and I heard my cat, Gizmo, scratching on my door and meowing. Finally I got up and let them both into the bedroom with me. Not completely alone!
Sometimes I feel the urge to go out. Then I come to the problem of where do I want to go, what do I want to do. I feel that it is one too many decisions and end up simplifying things by doing none of the above. Have I become a recluse, a hermit?
It is a distraction. A distraction from an empty house. A distraction for the lack of kids arguing, games and TVs blaring and my electric bill jumping sky high. Then I thought about the fact that I was not overly interested in going out solo and the only person I really wanted to see was not available. That was it in a nutshell. I wanted to see and spend time with someone specific and since I could not, the whole thing lost its appeal.
Long ago, I realized something about myself. If I could not be with the person I wanted to be with, I would rather be alone. I have the option to go out, I have so many invitations that I turn down. I could do these things but I feel that I would get nothing out of it that I want. At the end of the day, when I go to bed, it is the same as when I woke up at the beginning of the day. So I work.
Yeah, it is a weird distraction I suppose, but I also have semi-goals. (Maybe one of these Friday nights, I really should ignore my OCD and sit down, make plans, set goals and FORCE myself to achieve them.) But goals, they bring change, and change, even though needed, scares the hell out of me. I know my overall goal, but have yet to sit down and plan it out, work to achieve it. I need to very soon as I feel like I am in limbo, stuck in place and not moving forward.
Maybe I need to do this sooner than Friday. I was thinking I may go out Friday night. Hmmm...then again, once Friday gets here, I will probably auto-pilot again.
I do set goals, projects mainly. It pops in my head, and damn, I cannot think of anything but reaching completion of my project. Most recently, it was my bedroom. First came the installation of the hardwood laminate flooring, then redecorating and painting. Now that I have a bed I kind of wanted a bedroom back.
A project that most could do in a day is heading into its second week. Between work, meetings in NY, counseling, I am surprised at what I did get done and disgruntled over what I have yet to get done. I think that I am worthless on planning anything else until this job is completed to my satisfaction and done by me alone.
Yes, I want to do the entire project completely alone. I don't want help, I want to know that I can do what needs to be done. One of my semi-goals is being independent of others. A personal goal of mine that I find is extremely necessary for me to achieve. Still I need to take time to write down what I need to do and plan it out, make it happen. I have to face my fear of change above all. Time to get thrown to the wolves and either be eaten or lead the pack. I am rather boney so I think leading the pack would be a better bet.
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