How long as it been already? Weeks, months, years, just yesterday? The days simply run together now and there is no start or end point to it at this stage. Even brief moments of sleep do not seem to assist and everything just seams together like a perfectly mended piece of material. Life! Is that what it is called these days? It feels like simple existing from one stage to another. No moment to breathe, to smell the roses, so to speak. At least that is how it feels right now.
Some people question, eyes wide, in awe, it seems. “How do you do it? How do you hold yourself together?” There is no answer that comes to mind. It is tempting to blurt out, even scream hysterically, “Am I really holding it together? When I feel myself breaking apart inside? When ABSOLUTELY everything seems to be going wrong?” Instead such thoughts, feelings, tears are pushed to the very dark corner of my mind as it always is. Shrugging, the simple answer slips through lips, “I don’t know!”
Emotional overload! A feeling that if one single tear slips down the cheek, it will be endless; It will never stop and all this “awe” that everyone sees, will melt and crumble, the terror inside will surface and consume the body that has never toppled under it all. Sheer determination, will power pushes even that single tear away.
A simple request, “I need answers” and a simple response, “If I had that, I would be a billionaire.”
In that instant, the thought races through, “Why do I feel the need to talk about it? There is no answer, no solution. Above all, I feel there is no understanding, just sympathy, empathy, maybe even a small form of compassion.”
A walk like before, down to the river, wanting the wind off the water, to soothe, engulf, wash it all away. A drive, with the windows down, the radio on, still waiting for the peace that seems to be just out of reach of stretched out arms. Nothing! Just emptiness! A thin layer of it that keeps the terror at bay!
Music up loud, dancing with eyes closed and still nothing, nothing works, nothing can reach the void inside. Just calm coolness. Even when this body is shoved so hard, so violently against that thin layer, it remains intake, giving only a little, just to push just as hard and violently back and re-planting feet back on the solid ground.
Not even happiness is what is being searched for, desired. Just a simple peace of mind, the small comfort that a decision was the right one and if it would bring desired results! Instead they barrel toward me, that hurricane, that tornado, that volcano, and I brace, I prepare, I am a mother!
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