Visit

I walked into the room and she was sitting in her chair. I always thought she was a beautiful woman when I was growing up and even now, she was still beautiful. I was amazed at how long her hair had gotten, almost to her waist. She had not had long hair like that since before she married. I remember her telling me that she cut it after she had turned 18. In her later years, she kept it very short and permed. I can still remember the smell of the perm when I would come home from school and I would immediately know that my Aunt Caroline was visiting. Aunt Caroline was my great grandmothers sister. They always got together and did each other's hair. She was a kind lady with beautiful fully white hair. I always wanted hair like hers.

"Hi Moma!"

She looked at me and smiled

"Hi honey, how are you? I have not seen you in a bit"

It hit me, the same beautiful woman, the same smile, the same voice. It had been almost five years since I had visited my mom. The distance had not been kind on being able to visit more than I had.

I sat down near her and we chatted. She talked about "the old days" and I listened. I had spent my entire childhood sitting on the floor near her feet listening to her stories and how she grew up. I was just as enthralled now as I was then. 

I managed to find a hairbrush and as we chatted I brushed her hair. I asked if I could braid her hair and she agreed. Her mom did this for her every night before bed. All of her sisters got their long hair brushed, 100 strokes, then braided. The next night the braid was taken out, their hair brushed and re-braided. So I felt I needed to do this for her. I was amazed at how beautiful her hair was and I enjoyed the moment to do for her as she had done for me all those years.

We talked about her children, her parents, her neighbors, her friends, her brothers and sisters. I simply sat there listening and occasionally asking questions. It was about seeing her face, hearing her voice, seeing her smile. It brought my heart joy to experience this, to feel it once again. It had been to long. I melted  into her hug and I felt like a small child again in the arms of my mom. I felt safe and the world became less scary, less hurtful. 

All to soon it was time for me to go. She had become tired and anxious. I found it hard to say goodbye. It would be a long time before I would be able to visit her again and that broke my heart.

I told her I loved her and missed her. Another hug, a kiss on the cheek and I tried to walk out the door without looking back but I could not stop myself. I glanced back at her, watching her sitting at the doorway of her hospital room in her wheelchair waiting for her brother to come back to get her. He would be there any minute. The baby dolls, her children were wrapped nice and tight in their blankets in her lap. Her new children, I did not know these children. It was a good day for her, it is not always so. 

I tried to imprint in my brain every detail of my visit. How she looked, what color her clothes was, her smile, her voice, her smell. I needed this.....and She had no idea who I was. That I was her granddaughter that she adopted as her daughter when I was about 18 months old. The little girl who wanted to do all boy things when she had struggled to teach me to become a woman. The little girl who was nosey, meddlesome and always into some kind of mischief. The little girl who became was teenager that kicked everyone out into the yard just so she could turn her music up, grab a scrub brush, soap and water and scrub the entire kitchen floor on hands and knees. The little girl that gave the first great grandchild, who later gave the first great great grandchild, went through two divorces, almost lost a child, she had no idea who this woman standing before her was but I knew who SHE was. She was my grandmother, my mother, my friend, my hero and even though she forgot me, I had not forgotten her. 

Countdown

I am forgetful, or maybe I just get distracted with things, so I created countdown calendars for the events that are coming this month.
So tonight...I look at my calendar..the farthest event is in 14 days. Absolutely everything is coming in that two week period..I actually felt like crying all the sudden.
My oldest, Ashley will turn 18 Tuesday, my best friend comes home on Thursday, Ashley, I really hope, graduates the following Monday and my son, Jesse turns 16 that following Thursday.
Yes I am stressing these events, worried that I am not going to be prepared in time for them. Two birthday parties..two milestone birthdays within a week of each other..For me, for any parent, seeing one of their children turn 18, or 16, that is a happy and scary moment..an emotional moment..they are growing up...THEY ARE GROWING UP..I am gonna cry..yes..out of happiness...fear....
Then graduation...GRADUATION..12 years of school...I learned a lot...hopefully she learned more than me..she is going to be done! She will be starting her life...I AM READY..who the fuck am I kidding..I AM NOT READY...I am going to cry more..yes..out of happiness...fear
Then I think, I need gifts for these events, I should provide them small parties for these events..I should. I am not sure if I will be able to or not..Yes I am sure I will pull it off..something will have to wait..these things, once in a lifetime chance...I will look back on these two weeks..and I WILL BE AMAZED AT MYSELF....
So taxes are paid, auto insurance paid, comcast, verizon, t-mobile..still got, water, sewer, electric and hope for the best. Thankful for camping supplies and the Delaware..and the tree in the backyard haha ..Just kidding everyone..We will use the neighbors tree if they plug my sewer for non payment..
Now that I have made my self laugh tonight..I will do a repeat of this for the next 14 days..

The Beginning

When I woke this morning the first thing that went through my mind was that it was a beautiful day to die. I could hear the morning birds singing outside the window and without opening my eyes I could feel spring in the air. It was a time of rebirth. The world was wiped clean of the old and just outside it was blooming with the new. The grass was lush and green; the smell of it was heavenly. The air had a clean and refreshing smell to it. It smelled of life and it was a wonderful rush. I lay in my bed and simply smiled. Yes, it was a perfect day to die.

I wonder to myself as the writer of just what my reader is thinking about right now. Why would I say such a thing? Did I mean I wanted to die? Did I mean if I died any day I would prefer a day like today? As the person who woke up this morning and thought that, I cannot honestly say which one it is, or if it is both, but I simply know it was one of the two.
I asked myself as the morning moved on if I was sad. I had to really think about this because over the summer I feel into a deep dark depression and I had not even realized it. So I had to ask myself again if I was feeling something without even realizing it. Truly I could not see it. I did not think that I felt sad. Did I feel angry? Again I had to answer no to that question also.

Then it occurred to me that I simply felt nothing. I did not feel any emotion that would make you think that I wanted to die, except an odd sort of peace. A peace that had eluded me most of my life now here it was and it felt truly awesome.

I kept my eyes closed and I could see myself walking toward the Delaware River, the sun beautiful and warm upon my skin. The wind gentle and caressing as it blew against my face and hair. I had seen myself stand at the river bank looking out over the waves as the morning sun highlighted each ripple, throwing sparkles all around. It was breathtaking. I felt no fear or despair as I walked slowly down to the end of the pier where the wind became more forceful whipping my hair into my face. I climbed onto the black wrought iron rail and balanced myself simply looking down at the dark endless water. I took a breath and sighed.

I could see this clear as the spring day was, because I had done this many times over the past year. I could envision myself just stepping off that rail. This is the hardest part for my reader to understand I think and I am not sure if I can truly explain it. I did not feel hopelessness or pain. I did not feel like I had no one and that the life I lived was just that unbearable. I simply could see myself stepping off the rail and allowing the Delaware to sweep me away to where ever it was that I needed to go.

It was at this moment I believe that I had finally found the answers I had been searching so long for. I had live a life the way that others felt I should and I was what they thought I should be. I had never tried to live my life the way I wanted it to be, and in truth I had never been the person that I had wanted to be. I ached when I was alone because I had felt that I needed someone to be able to remain strong. Someone to hold and comfort me when I needed it and that is what I really believed that I needed that. Did I ever really have that though? In that moment that I had asked myself I realized that even in the times that I had that, it had been little help to me. I had still felt alone, I struggled and pushed against the world with everything in me. I had survived alone not realizing it. I had been so caught up in the idea that I could not do it that I never seen that I had been doing it all the entire time. In that moment I knew that I could no longer be that person that everyone thought they knew, the person they expected me to be.

I had to think even harder about who I was if I was not what they had assumed. My realization I am sure will hurt some that I know loves me and tries to be there for me, but that cannot be helped. For this I am truly sorry. It was in that moment that I realized that I could not be the friend that every person that had bound themselves to me, wanted. I could not be the wife that my husband expected or wanted, because I had something inside me that refused to allow me to be anything more than what I was always meant to be, a mother.

I am a Christian but I also have my own personal beliefs and outlook on life. I really believe that we are each put here in this world for a single purpose. Everything else that comes along is simply a part of life's simple pleasures that you can choose to enjoy or hate, but always with the main purpose for which you should not stray. For years though I had been taking the other things that came along for granted. I had come to rely on these things and was not seeing my real purpose. I see nothing wrong with living and enjoying life, as long as it does not cause complications with what you are needed most for.

I was here I believe to be a mother above all else. I was given very special children, each unique in their own way. Each one had their own difficulties and trials that surpassed what was typical. My job as a mother was to teach them, protect them, and make sure that one day they became adults that could survive in the world that I brought them into. I feel that every time a mother gives birth to a child she has ensured the future of mankind.

It was a harsh reality for me that I came to see that the only way that I could do this was to let go of some of life's simple pleasures so that I could completely commit to what I was meant to do. For once I did not have to rely on someone to hold me up. In the same instance I did not have to hold them up. I seen that to be able to do what I needed to do, I needed to do it without the complications of the types of relationships out there.

As I wrote this I finally had seen what the thought I had upon waking this morning had meant. I was not thinking of killing myself, of ending the life that I lived physically. I was trying to end what bound me. I needed to start over with a new beginning and needed to do this in a way that worked better for me. I needed to hit the world head on for now and maybe later I could deal with the many relationships that people seem to crave and need. For now I needed to be the best mother possible to the children that I had been blessed with.

Lost Love

For a small moment I become free

In the arms that was not meant to be

Please don't say

Let me remain for a moment in this place

A place where I can be me

In your arms I find release

Don't close your eyes

Hold me close as I slowly die

A part of me not meant to survive

The part that was only seen with your eyes

So dance with me in the rain

Help me wash away the pain

So that I can wake with the sunrise

And pretend this is my life

For a moment look into my eyes

Feel what I have inside

Know that it is not me

That I scream for release

For a moment in your arms

I feel no pain, no harm

In your arms I feel no fears

But how to stop the tears

As they roll down my cheek

Tomorrow I will not be me.

Tomorrow I will not be free

No one to hold tight to me

Addiction

I walk by it time and time again
Never thinking before this moment
That I would ever hate saying no
That this ever made a dent

I prided myself on strength and will
So many times I had bent
But never, never did I break
Now I cower in its presence

I move from one task to another
Ignoring it calling to me to the brink
Shaking my head, shaking in my hands
As I avoid that drink

Not seeing a problem before
Not feeling myself drowning
Until I had to say no today
And I felt it controlling, calling

I sat in the corner covering my ears
shaking in my hands heart pounding
Trying to deny what is in my face
As that bottle, that drink kept calling

Singing and humming to block the sound
Closing my eyes to the sight
As I cower without strength
Not sure how to win this fight

Some drink to get away
Drowning in sorrow
I drink to stay
So I can try again tomorrow

False bravo, false strength
Cowering in the corner I made
As I fought the battle of myself
Fighting hard for just one more day