Prolouge: Day of Realization

Arial looked down at her raw hands and tried not to cry. What was all this for, she wondered. Nothing seems to work anymore. She would do anything and everything she has done. Things remain the same and with each moment that passed the distance became greater.

She knelt in the middle of the tile floor, with the smell of bleach overwhelming her. The floor was sparkling white, but she continued to scrub it with the brush. At this point she did it just to think. It relaxed her for some strange reason and the focus on her chore was mild enough that she could do it and think about other things. It was a lot of thinking that had to be done and a lot of questions to be answered. Still she scrubbed the floor as her mind drifted over the past year.

She felt herself reliving every moment over again. She could feel the ache in her heart and the fear in her stomach. It left her feeling weak and she scrubbed the floor more aggressively.

She tried to think about when it all started. Arial was not a fool to believe that she did not play some part in the events herself. Hell, she knew she did. All the same, she still could not shake the feeling that something more was lying beneath the cold surface. Nothing would change if she could not find what she sought.

She had always believed in the old saying It takes two to make it and two to break it. She had been divorced before and she knew even then that she played a part in the failure of that marriage. It took her years to see her part in it, and she was shamed from her role. She never cheated or anything. He had problems and she just could no longer deal with them or live with them. So she became controlling and trying to change him. When things got worse, she left. She failed him and her marriage. When it was all over she could not forgive herself for not being committed to those vows.

It was in that moment at nineteen years old that she decided that if she could not live up to the vows she took, that she would never do it again.

Here she was though, eleven years down the road, married and once again, she felt like she was failing. This time she could not bring herself to break these vows. For better or worse! How much worse did things have to get before she broke apart? How much dying inside would she have to go through, to honor that vow?

She took no notice of her work at this point as she considered these questions. She was fighting all the odds on it and was steadily losing the battle and parts of her as time went by. The moments of laughter was years gone. Now she carries no laughter without heartache. No simple joy without worry tainting it.

She could remember the moments in the past where joy and laughter had not carried a deep hurt inside. Simple pleasure had been the only thing in her heart. She did not really believe that she would ever get that back. She felt the deeper sadness of that knowledge. When did things fall apart? Was it failing when it started? Maybe, but she may have been blind to it. Maybe it had been alright with her at the time. Then it all changed. She knew the time when things changed and still she could not see what changed. Was it him or was it her? Was it a moment where she finally realized that she needed more from him, than what she had, what he had given her?

She was no longer alright with it. Oh she loved her husband as much now as she did when she first met him. That had never changed. It was all the other difficulties that had appeared in the form of a barrier that was breaking her down right now. Moments where she really needed him and realized that he had never given that part of himself. She was angry over that, resentful, because she knew who he gave it too.

That person took it to her grave. She was not angry that he had loved before. She had loved before him, herself. She was angry that after eleven years of the life with her, it still didn't seem to be enough
for him. That at times he still mourned what was before. That he still in his deepest moments could only see what was before and it was better in his eyes than what was before him now. It was a slap to her.

She had loved once before. Blindly and insanely she had been with it. When she had met Jack, she had loved again. It was different this time. It was deeper without blindness to the obvious. She had spent years hurting in silence to what was missing but being thankful for being able to love him with all her heart. He was so much more to her than what was before in her past. She tried to be happy with the things she craved that he never offered. He was not a talker and she had been ok with that. She respected that, because she always felt he listened when she needed someone to listen. When she realized last year that he never truly listened, it hurt. Then she thought about it. It took her into the deepest of thoughts.

She had sat silently going into a depression, needing him and knowing deep in her heart that she never had that much of him. It was not right anymore. She needed his arms around her. She needed to be heard. She needed to know that no matter how bad it was, he would be there. A rock that was unmovable, unbreakable. Then her world had shattered. He withdrew even more and now that she thought about it, it was probably because for the first time she was reaching out desperately for him, and he had no clue as to how to respond.

Their life was more complicated than many other lives and that in itself was a major part of it all. He was not the type to reach out, but instead he would push away. When the moment came that she knew he needed her, without him realizing that, he instead pushed her away and suffered silently. He did what he always did, but this time it was different. This time she needed him and he needed her. He snatched that away from her and it hurt so deeply.

Finally she had realized her part in it all. It was time to see what happened with him.