The thought that kept in the corner of her mind, was to leave. She needed to run as far away as possible, but something held her back. Maybe it was the love that she had for him. Maybe it was the memories of what once was. Things had not always been this way. To be truthful what once was, well it was amazing. A deep friendship was what bonded her to Jack and eventually a trust in him that she had never given before. At the time she could see herself dying beside him old and gray. Now though she could not envision her future at all. The overwhelming loneliness and hurt would step in the way of her imaging what her life would look like 10 or 20 years from now.
She remembered the moment they had met. She was really not wanting in a relationship. Hell, all that she had been through prior made her want to ward off men completely. For some reason a small amount of trust had occurred between them before they met. Of course her first impression was fear. He overwhelmed her. He had long dark hair with the sides shaved. Tattoos ran up and down each arm. A goatee graced his face and the scars on his face were very visible. He got out of his car dressed completely in black and her first thought was oh hell what had she gotten into. When he had stopped in front of her, she had looked up into the most gorgeous blue eyes she had ever seen.
Jack and she had spent a week together getting to know each other. She was patient on trying to find things not to like about him. The life he lived was so different from hers and that should have been reason enough. Instead, they talked non-stop about their lives and everything else. Arial was shocked that she remembered this. In the entire 10 years she had known him that had been the most they had ever talked. They laughed and joked, sharing experiences and learning things about one another. The moment, in which he took her hand, she no longer fought. Her breath simply left her and she looked into the eyes of a man that had completely swept her off her feet.
See it is easy to allow the things that go wrong to push such memories back. In every bad relationship, somewhere were moments, even brief they may have been, that made it shine. It was so hard for Arial to push past the end to reach the beginning. They were there and seemed to be a million years into her past. To fight through the present and to access those moments was difficult.
There were no promises that this marriage would survive, but if she could get pass the things that was breaking it apart, there were good memories that would warm her heart till the day she died. Also there was the knowledge that deep inside the stranger that slept by her each night, was indeed the good man that she fell in love with and still loved. She was not a fool to believe that it would be enough though. It took so much more than love to fix things. They both could probably find room for forgiveness but never could the actions and words be taken back. Those things would always shadow what they had in the beginning.
She fought away the anger and pain at what was happening, when instead she wanted to scream, “Why am I losing him to all this? Why show me love and snatch it away?” No one would answer her, and she just stayed silent. Silent is how her life was at this point. No longer did she feel the extreme urge to reach out as she once did. The idea that it was over, remained in her mind and the need to keep trying was wearing down. She was emotional tired from the past year.
Deep in her heart, Arial knew the answer lied in wait for her. It was the reason for the reflections on her life that she was having. She was searching inside her own heart and soul for the answer, the key that would either end her marriage or bring it back to life. This time of reflection was the only time she could push it all back and search with an open heart and mind. When it got to painful, she would stop and let it go until she could handle it again.
Each day she looked at the ring that bound her to him, wondering if there would ever be a day that she would be able to bring her to wear it again. It laid gathering dust as she walked away each time full of sadness, never touching it. One day it would become invisible beneath dust and heartache, there it would remain.
When a marriage goes stale this way it is almost impossible to figure out what happened. Sometimes it is a comfort zone of no contact for one person or the other--actually IS one person's habitual wall. Marriages have to grow or they are lost, becasue no one stays the same person forever. You have to be able to accept change. It requires two people moving forward. :-(
ReplyDelete