Does he love me, does he not... Sadly it is winter, there are no flowers outside that I can pick and pull petals from with such a question and find a response.
I am still married, but the marriage started to sour slowly over the past 3 or 4 years, finally moving itself to separate beds (Bed and a couch) and then six months ago, separate living. It took a lot for me to face my husband and state that I was done. I had sworn after my last marriage and divorce that I would not do so lightly again. I would not leave, return, leave, return. I would stay until I felt that there was absolutely no chance at all left.That moment had come, and I verbalized it to him, to myself. I made it final in my head and in my heart.
After he left, I did not feel lonely. I was not broken from it as I suffered the loss of the marriage over a three year span and mourned during that time until I no longer cried myself to sleep at night.
I had focused solely on saving my marriage that everything went neglected..then I started focusing on work. I buried myself into my job as the expectations there were ones I could meet because I knew what they were. I made progress there, I was stuck in place in the marriage.
Burying myself into work, not wanting to come home and face the failure, it affected my children. Things went downhill rapidly. My youngest son was removed from school, pending out of district placement and my daughter ended up in Pediatric Trauma Unit after an overdose attempt. My oldest son, he just crawled into a hole and closed his eyes to it all.
It was time for me to come home, to get my home, my family in order, back on track. So I took a family medical leave of absence from my job. I attended home schooling with my youngest in the evenings, toured schools across the state during the day. I meet with doctors, made calls, visited crisis centers, during the rest of my time. My daughter was in crisis centers and outpatient centers for almost two months.
After two weeks of doing this, I sit my oldest two children on the couch, along with my husband. I had watched over the two week period and finally seen how bad things had gotten and it was time to make changes.
"You will be a part of the solution, you will no longer be a part of the problem." This was directed to all of them. My husband became defensive and stated that if he was the problem, he would leave. At this point, I had enough. I excused my children from the room and faced him.
"I did not say you were the problem, I said each of you were a part of the problem." I was fed up with his threats to leave. The kids already felt like it would bolt at a moments notice, I had felt that way, and none of us felt the security of having him there anymore. We were on eggshells, never knowing if and when he would just up and walk away.
So I told him I was done. That was it.
During the course of my marriage, I had left all my friends and family behind to be with him. Friends I gained here during that time, they did not last. So when I ended the marriage, I ended it being completely alone, without family, without friends, just my children and my job.
When the kids started going to his house each Friday, I got lonely. The four walls closed in on me and I needed to get out. So I arranged to go to Philly with a couple of girl's from work. I wait till after nine, when the kids would be asleep, we went to the speedline, and my phone rings. He wanted me to come get my youngest son because he would not listen to him and go to bed. I ended up coming home and getting my son, handing off my train ticket to someone else.
My ex was upset that I had planned to go out. He tried to send the kids home each weekend after that.
I needed a friend, someone to go out with, have a good time with, so I bravely got on a dating website. It did not take me long to see that most of the men there considered dating as friends with benefits. Me stating that I wanted someone to hang out with and was not looking for a relationship, well that sealed the deal.
I meet a couple of them, for coffee or whatever, no first date unless I knew I could be in their company for more than 5 minutes. It was a bust, almost a waste of time, then I met someone, that I liked being in the company of. As much as I liked him, it scared me, the "more" part. Could I really go through what I went through for the last decade? So I drove this guy nuts. He mentioned "more" I would retreat.
Finally I gave in, I wanted to try again, but maybe I retreated to much, to many times. I felt that the kids were drifting down hill again. So I decided that it would not hurt for them to meet him, I liked him and felt that he would not be a hurt to them. It took a lot for me to involve someone into my children's lives. They had been hurt to much and the scars on them are still fresh. I did not want someone to come in and make things harder. Besides, I liked him enough that I wanted him to see all aspects of my life, not just a him and I thing. There was more to me than just me. I was a hard worker, a dedicated mother, and my time for myself was lumped into one day a week. His schedule was not very accommodating to that and I could not work out other days to well. It came down to him coming to my house, to my dysfunctional family if he wanted to see me. He did not come and I felt that at this point, maybe he realized how fucking nuts my life was and "more" was no longer something he wanted. So I retreated, if he wanted "more" he knew where I lived.
I am an all or none type person, and all was what I gave, what I offered. It was ice water to my face and it hurt. It hurt enough that over the past week, I sat and crocheted the blanket I had been working on. Every stitch was meant to heal myself. I started it weeks ago, when I found myself missing him, I would sit down and work it out. I thought about him with every stitch I made and I still do.
I remember I was working one night and he had texted me. I did not see the text right off as I was with a customer. When I did read it, it simply stated, "I need a kiss." By the time I responded to the text, he called my phone. He was at my store, walking through the door. I was floored! I had never had someone do that or anything remotely close to it. Ten minutes of his life, gave me a memory for a life time. He did not even realize it. For the first time in a long time, I felt that maybe someone thought I was worth the effort.
I don't have a flower to pull petals from. I have an afghan that I am creating. One stitch at a time with the hopes that when I reach the end, I will heal the pain inside me and can move forward.
I am still married, but the marriage started to sour slowly over the past 3 or 4 years, finally moving itself to separate beds (Bed and a couch) and then six months ago, separate living. It took a lot for me to face my husband and state that I was done. I had sworn after my last marriage and divorce that I would not do so lightly again. I would not leave, return, leave, return. I would stay until I felt that there was absolutely no chance at all left.That moment had come, and I verbalized it to him, to myself. I made it final in my head and in my heart.
After he left, I did not feel lonely. I was not broken from it as I suffered the loss of the marriage over a three year span and mourned during that time until I no longer cried myself to sleep at night.
I had focused solely on saving my marriage that everything went neglected..then I started focusing on work. I buried myself into my job as the expectations there were ones I could meet because I knew what they were. I made progress there, I was stuck in place in the marriage.
Burying myself into work, not wanting to come home and face the failure, it affected my children. Things went downhill rapidly. My youngest son was removed from school, pending out of district placement and my daughter ended up in Pediatric Trauma Unit after an overdose attempt. My oldest son, he just crawled into a hole and closed his eyes to it all.
It was time for me to come home, to get my home, my family in order, back on track. So I took a family medical leave of absence from my job. I attended home schooling with my youngest in the evenings, toured schools across the state during the day. I meet with doctors, made calls, visited crisis centers, during the rest of my time. My daughter was in crisis centers and outpatient centers for almost two months.
After two weeks of doing this, I sit my oldest two children on the couch, along with my husband. I had watched over the two week period and finally seen how bad things had gotten and it was time to make changes.
"You will be a part of the solution, you will no longer be a part of the problem." This was directed to all of them. My husband became defensive and stated that if he was the problem, he would leave. At this point, I had enough. I excused my children from the room and faced him.
"I did not say you were the problem, I said each of you were a part of the problem." I was fed up with his threats to leave. The kids already felt like it would bolt at a moments notice, I had felt that way, and none of us felt the security of having him there anymore. We were on eggshells, never knowing if and when he would just up and walk away.
So I told him I was done. That was it.
During the course of my marriage, I had left all my friends and family behind to be with him. Friends I gained here during that time, they did not last. So when I ended the marriage, I ended it being completely alone, without family, without friends, just my children and my job.
When the kids started going to his house each Friday, I got lonely. The four walls closed in on me and I needed to get out. So I arranged to go to Philly with a couple of girl's from work. I wait till after nine, when the kids would be asleep, we went to the speedline, and my phone rings. He wanted me to come get my youngest son because he would not listen to him and go to bed. I ended up coming home and getting my son, handing off my train ticket to someone else.
My ex was upset that I had planned to go out. He tried to send the kids home each weekend after that.
I needed a friend, someone to go out with, have a good time with, so I bravely got on a dating website. It did not take me long to see that most of the men there considered dating as friends with benefits. Me stating that I wanted someone to hang out with and was not looking for a relationship, well that sealed the deal.
I meet a couple of them, for coffee or whatever, no first date unless I knew I could be in their company for more than 5 minutes. It was a bust, almost a waste of time, then I met someone, that I liked being in the company of. As much as I liked him, it scared me, the "more" part. Could I really go through what I went through for the last decade? So I drove this guy nuts. He mentioned "more" I would retreat.
Finally I gave in, I wanted to try again, but maybe I retreated to much, to many times. I felt that the kids were drifting down hill again. So I decided that it would not hurt for them to meet him, I liked him and felt that he would not be a hurt to them. It took a lot for me to involve someone into my children's lives. They had been hurt to much and the scars on them are still fresh. I did not want someone to come in and make things harder. Besides, I liked him enough that I wanted him to see all aspects of my life, not just a him and I thing. There was more to me than just me. I was a hard worker, a dedicated mother, and my time for myself was lumped into one day a week. His schedule was not very accommodating to that and I could not work out other days to well. It came down to him coming to my house, to my dysfunctional family if he wanted to see me. He did not come and I felt that at this point, maybe he realized how fucking nuts my life was and "more" was no longer something he wanted. So I retreated, if he wanted "more" he knew where I lived.
I am an all or none type person, and all was what I gave, what I offered. It was ice water to my face and it hurt. It hurt enough that over the past week, I sat and crocheted the blanket I had been working on. Every stitch was meant to heal myself. I started it weeks ago, when I found myself missing him, I would sit down and work it out. I thought about him with every stitch I made and I still do.
I remember I was working one night and he had texted me. I did not see the text right off as I was with a customer. When I did read it, it simply stated, "I need a kiss." By the time I responded to the text, he called my phone. He was at my store, walking through the door. I was floored! I had never had someone do that or anything remotely close to it. Ten minutes of his life, gave me a memory for a life time. He did not even realize it. For the first time in a long time, I felt that maybe someone thought I was worth the effort.
I don't have a flower to pull petals from. I have an afghan that I am creating. One stitch at a time with the hopes that when I reach the end, I will heal the pain inside me and can move forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment