I don't think anyone plans the life they are giving to live, I know I did not. I had a plan in my head, as does everyone. It did not go the way I envisioned. I stepped up, adapted and embraced it though.
Yes I wanted marriage, kids, a career and I got it. That poster perfect life, well it was not perfect. In general, such is met with hardships, heartaches and I got more than a fair dose of it all. Still I got off the ground that I kept sinking to, brushed off, licked my wounds and moved on.
I was raised well by two wonderful people and each day they are the model to what I want my life to be lived like. Oh there is the admission to stepping off the path that they would have traveled, but all these years later, I honestly don't believe they would have envisioned how the world had changed.
Be a good person, someone you can look in the mirror at night and be ok with you. I do that, I try hard to do it every moment for my own self. Did they know that no matter how good of a person you try to be, that the world, the people could be cruel and nothing like you? Time and time again, I put this idea they taught me into my life, time and time again, I suffered heartache in the end. Friendships, relationships. Maybe they did know this would happen, but still wanted me to not be cruel and heartless in return, regardless.
I got the marriage, two to be honest. The last one is reaching its 11th year and the separation is reaching its first year, the estrangement is reaching its second year. Before that, the failure was three to four years coming. It was not as I had envisioned.
I gained three birth children in the process of my life, step children, grandchildren. I did not anticipate my one son having Asperger's Syndrome, my other son having High Functioning Autism and my daughter finishing her teenage years with Borderline Personality Disorder. I embraced and stepped up, facing the additional hardships and throughout it all I felt like a single solitary parent in it all.
Neither did I anticipate giving myself to people as a friend, loyal, always with a shoulder, always smiling through my own hardships so that they could survive theirs.Only to reach rock bottom alone and realizing they could accept such friendships but could not give the same in return.
Then I repeated the same in relationships, keeping my own pain, fears to myself, standing strong, prideful that I refused to fail and stay down for long. In the end being a good, giving person, it got me no where but alone. I considered this over the past week and realized that I was always alone and had done ok. Only when I think about it, does it hurt. Then I have to decide, does it hurt more to think about being alone, or trying repeatedly and hurting from failing.
Did those wonderful beautiful parents of mine ever imagine that it would go like this? They did well by me, and in return, I do well by myself and I know that regardless, they are proud of what I have accomplished and what I have survived.
I reached my career goal, then gave it up, being a mother to my children was more important to me. I had enough pride in reaching it that keeping it, well, it did not mean that much in the end if I lost it.
There are people that has come and gone in my life, they know things about me, each one knows something different...put them all together and you have knowledge of who I am. Separately, I simply never met anyone that was loyal and honest enough to learn it all. I tried hard recently, admitting my deepest fears, worries, feelings and in the end I feel maybe I was too honest, tried to hard to be completely open. I wish I could say I recovered from that round, but I still find myself desiring sleep over the heart ache that started emotionally and led to being physically painfully. Months of being off anti-depressants, and here I am, on them again just to get from one day to the next. Happiness in a bottle I guess. It could have been worse...one time, I found it in the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels, heading toward the worse kind of alcoholism I think is possible. Where I shook so bad, that it only stopped with a drink. Just one drink, without any idea that it had become a crutch. A way to cope and avoid the worse of the days I woke up too.
Even now, in my worse moments, I find myself desiring such relief that I pace my floor, looking at the cabinet, debating over taking the easier option. Instead I crawl on my couch when I can no longer distract my mind and I sleep...a sleep that gives me no rest, waking looking like, feeling like I had not slept in weeks.
I fight the desire to give in, give up. Every morning, I wake up, shake it off, and push forward.
I don't fear being alone as much as I fear giving myself to someone again and being hurt. Whether it is friendship or a relationship. In the end, it all can hurt. Simplicity in life is what I have come to desire. The most simple aspect that my life can provide me.
I am not foolish enough to deny that I am going through another depressive state and why I am going through it once again. I don't feel like life is not worth living, because I have three people that makes it worth living. There are certain things in life though, I finally decided was not worth reaching for. I just don't have enough heart left in me to keep trying to be the good person that everyone says I am. If I am good, I simply am not good enough to meet the expectations of others, and have simply gave up trying to. I finally gave the last of myself that I could give to someone and I feel empty. No matter how deep I search, I simply cannot find anymore of myself left to give to anyone else. It is not that I pulled back to myself what I gave to others, I cannot figure out how to do that..what they got, well, they still have it, some hold it, dead and lifeless, others they don't realize what I gave them.
Someone mentioned recently, why don't you write again, you were always good at it. I considered it, I am doing it, and there is nothing but negativity and sadness behind my words. Did they realize that my best words came at my lowest moments? I lived my happiness, I write about my sadness. When I was at a happy point in my life, I was too busy enjoying every moment to take the time to write about it?
I am crawling out of the depths of it all, but I have a feeling that the best part of who I was will be there when I finally reach the light again. I finally reached the point where I think I gave it all away and there is emptiness left.
Yes I wanted marriage, kids, a career and I got it. That poster perfect life, well it was not perfect. In general, such is met with hardships, heartaches and I got more than a fair dose of it all. Still I got off the ground that I kept sinking to, brushed off, licked my wounds and moved on.
I was raised well by two wonderful people and each day they are the model to what I want my life to be lived like. Oh there is the admission to stepping off the path that they would have traveled, but all these years later, I honestly don't believe they would have envisioned how the world had changed.
Be a good person, someone you can look in the mirror at night and be ok with you. I do that, I try hard to do it every moment for my own self. Did they know that no matter how good of a person you try to be, that the world, the people could be cruel and nothing like you? Time and time again, I put this idea they taught me into my life, time and time again, I suffered heartache in the end. Friendships, relationships. Maybe they did know this would happen, but still wanted me to not be cruel and heartless in return, regardless.
I got the marriage, two to be honest. The last one is reaching its 11th year and the separation is reaching its first year, the estrangement is reaching its second year. Before that, the failure was three to four years coming. It was not as I had envisioned.
I gained three birth children in the process of my life, step children, grandchildren. I did not anticipate my one son having Asperger's Syndrome, my other son having High Functioning Autism and my daughter finishing her teenage years with Borderline Personality Disorder. I embraced and stepped up, facing the additional hardships and throughout it all I felt like a single solitary parent in it all.
Neither did I anticipate giving myself to people as a friend, loyal, always with a shoulder, always smiling through my own hardships so that they could survive theirs.Only to reach rock bottom alone and realizing they could accept such friendships but could not give the same in return.
Then I repeated the same in relationships, keeping my own pain, fears to myself, standing strong, prideful that I refused to fail and stay down for long. In the end being a good, giving person, it got me no where but alone. I considered this over the past week and realized that I was always alone and had done ok. Only when I think about it, does it hurt. Then I have to decide, does it hurt more to think about being alone, or trying repeatedly and hurting from failing.
Did those wonderful beautiful parents of mine ever imagine that it would go like this? They did well by me, and in return, I do well by myself and I know that regardless, they are proud of what I have accomplished and what I have survived.
I reached my career goal, then gave it up, being a mother to my children was more important to me. I had enough pride in reaching it that keeping it, well, it did not mean that much in the end if I lost it.
There are people that has come and gone in my life, they know things about me, each one knows something different...put them all together and you have knowledge of who I am. Separately, I simply never met anyone that was loyal and honest enough to learn it all. I tried hard recently, admitting my deepest fears, worries, feelings and in the end I feel maybe I was too honest, tried to hard to be completely open. I wish I could say I recovered from that round, but I still find myself desiring sleep over the heart ache that started emotionally and led to being physically painfully. Months of being off anti-depressants, and here I am, on them again just to get from one day to the next. Happiness in a bottle I guess. It could have been worse...one time, I found it in the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels, heading toward the worse kind of alcoholism I think is possible. Where I shook so bad, that it only stopped with a drink. Just one drink, without any idea that it had become a crutch. A way to cope and avoid the worse of the days I woke up too.
Even now, in my worse moments, I find myself desiring such relief that I pace my floor, looking at the cabinet, debating over taking the easier option. Instead I crawl on my couch when I can no longer distract my mind and I sleep...a sleep that gives me no rest, waking looking like, feeling like I had not slept in weeks.
I fight the desire to give in, give up. Every morning, I wake up, shake it off, and push forward.
I don't fear being alone as much as I fear giving myself to someone again and being hurt. Whether it is friendship or a relationship. In the end, it all can hurt. Simplicity in life is what I have come to desire. The most simple aspect that my life can provide me.
I am not foolish enough to deny that I am going through another depressive state and why I am going through it once again. I don't feel like life is not worth living, because I have three people that makes it worth living. There are certain things in life though, I finally decided was not worth reaching for. I just don't have enough heart left in me to keep trying to be the good person that everyone says I am. If I am good, I simply am not good enough to meet the expectations of others, and have simply gave up trying to. I finally gave the last of myself that I could give to someone and I feel empty. No matter how deep I search, I simply cannot find anymore of myself left to give to anyone else. It is not that I pulled back to myself what I gave to others, I cannot figure out how to do that..what they got, well, they still have it, some hold it, dead and lifeless, others they don't realize what I gave them.
Someone mentioned recently, why don't you write again, you were always good at it. I considered it, I am doing it, and there is nothing but negativity and sadness behind my words. Did they realize that my best words came at my lowest moments? I lived my happiness, I write about my sadness. When I was at a happy point in my life, I was too busy enjoying every moment to take the time to write about it?
I am crawling out of the depths of it all, but I have a feeling that the best part of who I was will be there when I finally reach the light again. I finally reached the point where I think I gave it all away and there is emptiness left.
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